Fine? Why Fine?

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The Peni-bomber?

Rueful

Oh, the Teresa Heinz-Kerry jokes we could've made if only this had happened during the election.

A Swedish woman said on Sunday that she had found a penis in a bottle of ketchup.

What?

Eehhh, WTF, Doc?

5 Years

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said.

David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers.

But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery.

Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.

That phrase "doctors removed what remained of his testicles" gave me a stomachache.

Not a Real Post

As I work on posts of more serious import, it's time for Peni$ Stories link dump.

In a follow up to our last installment about Russian doctors and re-animation is this. The Russians seem to be leaders in this field.

"Every week we implant prosthetic devices to patients suffering genital traumas or anomalies. What's unique about this operation is that the entire penis was restored," surgeon Alexei Sokolshikov, cited by Pravda.ru, said. He explained that the patients would be able to have children in about two months.

In Vietnam, mothers and sons are teaming up on dear old dad.

Police in Vietnam were investigating a 17-year-old schoolboy who helped his mother slice off his father's penis after she accused her husband of being unfaithful.

Sometimes, you can only read the headlines. I couldn't get past this headline to even read the story. This headline however was so funny I had to include it here. I don't know what either article says.

And we will end on our second appearance of a celebrity. Soccer star/Spice Girl Husband David Beckham has been in the news as allegations of a possible affair with his former personal assistant swirl. She has proof.

"There's something I know about him, an intimate part of his body that I think only women who've been in bed with him would know."

A Walrus, a Chicken, a Duck, a Roast, and More

We're bursting with Peni$ stories to dump--including our first ever celebrity appearance--so let's go. (I'm sorry if that sounds gross.)

But first I'd like to note that the book in this post must've been released in Europe this week because I'm getting a lot of referrers from people over there searching for it.

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From the animal kingdom:

Walruses, which live in the frozen Arctic, have a baculum that can reach more than 30 inches in length -- one of the largest members of any mammal in both absolute and relative terms.

And yes, a "baculum" is what you think it is.

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How about some erotica?

As the grease dripped from the meat, which teetered precariously on a cocktail stick, Ms Matheson snaffled it.

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Is this the act of a hormone-confused teenager?

..."made an obscene and lewd gesture to (her) by unzipping the fly of his pants, sticking his finger out of his pants towards (her) to make it look like he was sticking out his penis and wiggling it."

Or the act of an executive of a huge Canadian media conglomerate?

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Presented without comment:

“Devils, I don’t have any chicken or duck for you,” he was quoted as saying by local police chief Phoeung Vat. “If you want to eat anything, you can eat my penis.” Soun Ney said the spirits agreed to eat his penis.

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Malik: Doc, were you able to reattach my peepee?
Doctor: Yes, Son. On the one hand that's the good news.
Malik: What's on the other hand?
Doctor: The bad news.

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And now for our first celebrity entry. (Well I don't know who he is, but apparently he's famous.)

CELEBRITY chef Jamie Oliver has brought a whole new meaning to overdone meat and two veg, burning his "crown jewels" while cooking.

In what was supposed to be a saucy Valentine's Day treat for his wife, Jools, Oliver had decided to cook a feast in the nude.

The Sun reported that Oliver, 28, was happily getting through his romantic culinary display when it all went painfully wrong.

"I was naked in the kitchen and burnt my penis. I really ruined my evening - and my night," he confessed to the newspaper.

Oliver, who shot to fame as The Naked Chef, was apparently trying to do nothing more complicated than a roast.

Cooking naked was not Oliver's only error in judgment.

Oliver says now is a good time because his two children - Poppy Honey, two, and 11-month-old Daisy Boo - are still young and will not be disrupted too much.

Lack of Control

Here we go; falling back on ol' reliable: Peni$ Stories. Let's span the globe.

A despondent husband took matters into his own hand, then took what was in his hand with him on a trip to the E/R.

As crazy as that guy was, at least he had the forethought to bring it with him. This other guy, just ran screaming down the block, all willy-nillylike, leaving his parts at home.

You're going to have to skip down to the 6th item on this police blotter (passing over, among others, blurbs about a guy running around hugging people who don't want to be hugged by him, a fight involving an ultimate Frisbee dispute, and something about a drunk guy and French toast) to get the one about the guy who whipped it out in public.

Which is creepier a doctor exposing himself to teenaged patients or a middle school janitor having kids sit on his lap?

Uninspired

Today is one of those days that everything I've read and would like to post on has already been done by the other blogs I read. So, I'll go to my fallback position and link dump a series of peni$ stories.

Is it really mastub@ting if you use someone else's hand?

“We were very good friends before this happened,” she said. “He was someone that I thought I could trust. He was a really good friend of mine.”

Only the gullible would look into those "lengthening" pills from e-mail spam, but sometimes you reach the end of your...er...rope. (First letter.)

Old Dudes Gone Wild!!! (Second item.)

Dale grabbed the undercover officer's penis and buttocks and then exposed himself to the officer when they walked back to Dale's car. He also asked for oral sex, reports say.

Of course, none of this should be taken lying down.

Festivus

Spring is in the air, and perhaps the joys of the season in the Kanto region are nowhere more lusciously expressed than in Kawasaki Daishi, Kanagawa Prefecture, which is bracing itself for its annual phallic festival.

While the event's purpose is to collect donations for HIV/AIDS causes, it's easy to forget all that and just enjoy the revelry. Such as:

...grandmas and grandpas sucking on carnal candy and sweetmeat replicas of this stupendous phallus...carving penises out of daikon (radish), children and young women sitting astride penis-shaped seesaws for good luck and fertility blessings, as well as a seated banquet in the compound of Kanamara Jinja (aka Wakamiya Hachiman-gu shrine) where the phallic radishes are auctioned.

Bookworm

A Norwegian sexologist is compiling a book to show off the variety of his countrymens' penises.

Esben Esther Pirelli Benestad photographed dozens of men in Oslo and Grimstad to illustrate his book.

Mr Benestad, a doctor and a well known transvestite, says the book will feature 80 to 100 photographs of penises.